How to Become an Alaskan Resident
Ever thought of moving to Alaska? This thought crosses the minds of many Americans. After all it’s beautiful and one heck of an adventurous escape. If you are sick of your boss and traffic and smog the notion can seem very appealing. But it’s not as simple as just picking up and moving there. Before they let you in, there are certain requirements. Lets examine them.
First off, you must be a little touched in some manner or another. That is to say, it cannot be obvious that your mental health is 100% normal. They are not interested in having mainstream normal people move up there and join them. That would start wrecking the place. If you have any unusual obsessions or hobbies that make your friends think you are a little weird, be sure to put that on your resident application.
How’s your tolerance to cold weather? I’m not talking up-state New York in January weather. I’m talking about taking a nap in your meat freezer kind of cold. It’s deadly up there in the winter, even in the southern part of the state. If you don’t relish being trapped inside your house for a month at a time due to weather you might want to think twice about it.
Do you like good beer? Not the fizzy yellow crap made from 20-30% rice or corn they push on us in mainstream America. Real hand-crafted ales. Do you love them more than life itself? If you can’t say you are a craft beer enthusiast they don’t want you up there.
How much meat do you eat? Of that, how much of it was killed by either you or a close neighbor? The percentages both should be high if you want your resident application to be seriously considered. (If you are a vegetarian you should stop reading this article right now and do something about your protein deficiency.)
How many days a year do you call in sick to go fishing? This is critical. If you don’t have a picture of you next to a fish bigger than you in your wallet this is definitely a black mark against you. You might be able to overcome this if you own over $10,000 worth of fishing tackle and you missed work at least 60 days in the last year.
What about extreme sports? Have you ever zip-lined into a glacier full of polar bears caring only a toothpick for survival? How often do you go hang-gliding and kite surfing in the same day? Do you ever get the urge to serenade grizzly bears with a kazoo and a ukulele? If you can’t enthusiastically answer these questions while breaking out some photos you probably aren’t Alaska resident material.
There is one other way in. Are you running away from something or somebody? Fugitives from society are welcome up north. It helps if you are wanted in at least three other states. In fact if you have legally changed your name more than once that will usually be enough for Alaskans to welcome you with open arms. Just don’t ask any of your new neighbors what their name is.
